Finding Happiness — In Compassion (even when you feel under attack)
I am struggling, right now, through one of ‘those’ moments in life that will make me stronger.
In their book “The Art of Happiness” by 14th Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler, part one introduces us to the Dalai Lama’s believe that the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness. Happy days! I am on the right track — it is not fame, nor fortune, nor even procreation, the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness.
It is part two entitled “Warmth and Compassion” that I am listening to as I leave my house long before sun-up to drive three hours to attend a hearing at 9:30am in which I feel under attack. Where I feel someone is trying to get as much money from me as they can for the wrongs they feel have been done to them by a third party.
As I drive, I am angry, fearful, and vengeful even — I do not feel much warmth or compassion at this point.
I am a ‘glass half full’ and ‘think of things from the others point of view’ type of person. I naturally look at situations from multiple points of view and I am always looking for the positive outcome of any situation. The same goes for this situation. I have ruminated over motivations from the claimant point of view and I appreciate that they expect to receive compensation.
At the end of the day, though, I will pay both financially and by reputation — not the third party. I am unsure if the claimant understands the impact this process has on me or even if they care.
As I drive the long trip in the dark I listen to the words of the Dalai Lama when asked how did he maintain compassion and understanding towards those who considered him their enemy. Obviously I am not comparing my situation in any means to those experienced by the Tibetan people and many others in the world. I listened with admiration to how he could still feel compassion towards even those who have inflicted intense pain and suffering, and realised that I can do better.
As the drive continues, I begin to think compassionately about the claimant. I assume positive intent and as I run through potential conversations that may happen in the hearing — I try to frame my responses more warmly and compassionately. I spend most of the rest of the drive, seeing the situation from the others point of view and whilst I still do not agree with them— I accept that they believe what they say and assume their positive intent.
I am feeling better, less angry, less vengeful. My emotions are in check, but my body and brain are silently being impacted by the early start and long drive. Almost twelve months ago to the day I fell from a rearing horse and suffered a bad concussion. Concussion damages the brains normal processing, and whilst I am actually doing really well — brain fatigue can still set in when you overtax your brain in particular the vestibular system. Once in a state of fatigue the brain is unable to process events clearly or even correctly.
Partly because of the physical impact on my concussion brain, and partly because I was trying to be a nice person — I lacked the words to defend myself properly. I sat quiet as the claimant strongly expressed their view. In moments where I should have spoken I did not. In moments where words came into my head to defend myself I held them back and sat silent. In moments when I believed the claimant was frugal with the truth — I did not pursue. For two hours I didn’t represent myself; I didn’t speak my truth and I allowed only one side to be heard and that side was not mine. I left the meeting and drove the three hours home. Don’t get me wrong, I never accepted the claimants arguments, but I didn’t do what I thought I should have done to refute them to my best ability. I did not do my best.
By the next morning I was having a complete breakdown.
I could not walk unaided, I struggled to breathe — moving between hyperventilation to holding my breath over and over, I could not speak properly, hear, the light hurt my eyes and I had an intense migraine that would not be subdued by anything in my first aid drawer and all I could think about was how I had let myself down, failed to express myself with ardency, how I had just cost myself 10s of 1000s of dollars by my failure. I launched expletives to my reflection and yes even visualised grabbing something sharp or heavy and smashing myself with it. For hours upon hours I had ruminated over how I had let myself down, all the things I should have said and did not, and filled my head with all the reasons why I was a complete waste of space and didn't deserve to breath.
I was having a complete panic attack and emotional meltdown. My system had been overloaded and just fizzed out of control. I called my husband home and he drove me to my concussion doctor.
Concussion has another effect on the brain, it amplifies those feelings of inadequacy, stress, anxiety. It kind of messes with the normal behaviour of neurons and chemical pathways. So whilst me ruminated over things like this is actually completely normal, having such a massive breakdown is rare.
Let me be clear. My rumination was over how I felt I had failed in the hearing, not the events that led up to us being at a hearing in the first place. If at anytime I found myself angry at the claimants, I stopped myself and remembered to be compassionate. I would go back to vengeful anger towards myself.
I had succeeded in finding compassion towards the claimant, but I was still very very unhappy. Ahh! I am still a failure, still useless, rubbish person, the rumination just wont stop!!!!!!!!!
Wait, suddenly in a moment of clarity in fact it was somewhere during the process of writing this down I found it … the missing piece.
I forgot to have compassion for myself. The most important person in the triangle.
Herein lies the reason I share this story with you.
Having compassion for others is an essential component to finding happiness in life, but without compassion for oneself the happiness will be fleeting. It will be like a beautiful dandelion pappus you catch and then lose on the wind, only to keep chasing it, to catch and lose again.
It’s okay to not be the person you thought you should be, could be, can be. It’s okay. If you ever find yourself in a position like I was, may I suggest you look in the mirror and say …
